I havent posted here for a while. Sorry about that.

I'm really struggling at the moment. Juggling pain and uni during the winter months is difficult. The weather is a lot worse this year as well which doesn't help. I thought I managed okay last year but this year is 10x harder. The first few weeks I was ill with a virus, tonsillitis a cold. You name it I caught it. That took its toll on me. I over did it one weekend and I still don't think my body has forgiven me for that. It also doesnt help that my timetable is a lot more mental this year. This week I have 27 hours of lectures and Im somehow supposed to find the energy to drag my ass to them as well as complete assignments. I have a practical write up that I dont understand and was due in 2 weeks ago. I have an extension on it but I really need to finish it as soon as possible. I also have 2 other prac write ups, a 2000 word essay, presentation and 1000 word essay to do as well as revise for the 2 exams I have before christmas.

I'm really struggling with my poor concentration and fibrofog at the moment. I either can't concentrate due to the pain or the painkillers. I can't really win. I always feel silly asking for extensions because I couldn't form a sentence let alone a paragraph. I barely understand what my friends are saying to me let alone what my electrophoresis results are showing me and how to plot the graph to work out what ever it is I need. For my research I have to read a sentence at least 5 times for it to sink in. I dont think my friends or lecturers understand how difficult it is to do simple tasks when every joint hurts and keep popping out and your painkillers dont work for as long as they should & give you a headache anyway.

It doesnt really help that I'm having to do a fair bit of travelling at the moment. My grandma passed away last week. She was 86 and it was her time. She chose to go that day. I live 3 hours away from uni but I wanted to be with my family last weekend so I went home. The funeral is on the 30th so Im going to have to drive the 3hrs home, then be in the car for the 2hrs to where the funeral is and then come all the way back again. Im also having to miss a practical to go to the funeral.

It's got so bad that I'm starting to question why I thought I could ever do what normal people my age do and get a degree. I've thought about dropping out but thats not what I want and I know that once this flare goes I'll be able to manage it a bit better. I mean it doesnt help that the work Im struggling to do is in a module I dont like. I dont want to let anyone down including myself and graduating would be a dream come true even if I have no clue what I want to do afterwards. I knew it was going to be hard but this is ridiculous.

My friends are really good but they dont understand. I mean how could they, theyre all healthy and can stay up late partying, they can walk everywhere, they can go to lectures, do their work, socialise and still be able to function. I have to chose. I feel guilty for not spending as much time as possible with them but sleep and work are more important at the moment. I know my mum means well but she keeps piling on the pressure by telling me she knows I wont fail or quit and that I can do it and I know she'd be disappointed if I didnt get at least a 2:1. My dads the same

Eugh chronic illnesses suck big time